And the beat goes...

On and on like a broken record, I replay my emotions on the 1's & 2's. The sweetest sound I hear in my day is enough to break through my barriers and bring tears to my eyes moments later. Because here I am not mommy. I can't be mommy. Not primarily. First & foremost I am MOD. Grand dame queen beast of the cupcake kingdom.
I got in trouble for being a mommy today. Not specifically but in the broader region of common sense, where all I really had to do was ask first. To double check that it was okay to take my little boy to the bathroom before I just did it. But I didn't, and I had to face the fact that i was wrong, no matter how right the instinctive reasoning. Even despite the fact that others have been doing it since I've been there, I should have thought twice. But I couldn't see myself being the mom that's a douche to her son, in public, better yet at all.

Love & Light

It's not all right but it's all real!

This year the holidays passed as nothing special. I spent my time off divided between family & friend. These days it feels like I'm in a sand storm. Blinded by the winds of change forever surrounding me, pushing me one way or the other. The hard part is seeing through the storm, to the horizon where peaceful skies rest. Sunshine awaits and speaks my name in whispers as if it is a secret I must seek out and capture. That until I find that magic place, I will only encounter pain. There is no wisdom or reason here.

In this desert I walk in alone, abandoned. J says he is here with me; if only he knew where to find me. But no one can understand, especially not him. No one can understand what it's like to be a queer woman married to man who has broken her beyond  her bounds and has taken a beating in return.  That no matter how much I have forgiven, I can not forget, my soul won't let me. No matter how much love my heart holds, my spirit is selfish, holding it all for myself, saying I need it to heal. I'd turn to him with open arms but I don't want to stab him with my contradicting dagger thoughts. So I love him the only way I know how for now.

 Few have walked the path before me and where they have stepped the wind has swept away their foot prints. There is no blueprint to follow. There are no instructions to tell me if I am right or wrong, only my spirit to guide me. My spirit, that the more I listen to it, the closer I get to her, the further I get from the world we created so many years ago.

There are no rules to this. Just a hunch to go on, a hope to hold on to. That one day all will be right. That there will be a we and not just a me. That hope is not just a tease to keep someone holding on. That hope is real and worth it. 

I am not an asshole. Not pure & simple. If anything I am an onion. Layers developed over time that bring nothing but tears when pulled back. I was never the good choice to make and I don't always make the good choices. But I am secure entering this year knowing that even though it's not all right it is all real. and for now, it's enough clarity to keep me moving forward. 

Testing

Testing 123
Love & Light

The Scribe

I have no more than these words to give
By no other means shall I live
For
I am a writer
A scribe of the inspired
Speaker of my truth for the seekers of the root
I write instead of run
Because the breath that fills my lungs never lasted longer than the ink on my paper
I write as prayer
To show gratitude for the gifts I've been given
As sacrifice
I bare my soul on parchment
I spread open my chest on stage
For I am not the architect just a conduit of my ancestry's hopes
I hope I live up to the expectation
I used to try to write inspirational intellectual culturally aware pieces
Things that would uplift & educate
Till I was left to hold the weight
I then decided, maybe I should wait
Let inspiration have its way with me
before committing to more than
just my dreams

Love & Light

Hotd#6

He died she said
Who died I said
She said his name
I said nothing

Love & Light

Woman

And what about when I just want to be a woman?
With nothing proceeding or following but success?
Because I always do my best
To just
Be a woman
Not a black, queer, wife, mother, sister, lover, working, superwoman
Just a woman
I live for those moments
Relish in the luxury of letting my hair & guard down
Wrap myself in the freedom of it
Surrender my soul to the serenity of silence
My mind & spirit sing a melodic cacophony in celebration of that moment
That random, rare moment
Where standing bare
Wanting nothing
I am nothing more
Nothing less
Than a woman
Simply
Lovely
Loved
Woman.

JSC112111
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09.28: preparation

Its been about a full month now that I have been unemployed, and have had absolutely no income whatsoever. Its only by the grace of the universe that I have survived this long. Regardless of how hard this struggle gets, I see that I am resilient, adaptable, resourceful, and stronger inside than I thought before. I'm recognizing a definite exponential positive growth within myself to not give in to the darkness that is beating against the locked door of its captivity. I have become a million times more powerful in the last 30 days then I had realized until today. Formerly I would have taken this free time to seek solace in a bottle or drug. I would have sought out the fast paying jobs & crowds of people that would allow me to sustain an inebriated state of wallow . Instead I spend my nights with my children laying in my arms way past their transition to sleepy land. I stay and watch them breath. I stay as close as possible for as long as possible so when they wake up in the night I am there.
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09.29: reinforcing positivity

I got a job! Even better I got the job that I wanted *does cat daddy*. The last 30 days has been a rollercoaster of unpredictability. Even today I was unsure of what I was going to do as far as making a steady stream of money, providing for myself and my family, etc. I'm still a little worried as to what I will do for the next few weeks to keep a roof over my head but I am not worried. My faith in myself has been restored as I have seen the actual results that come when you believe despite all odds. As ironic as this turn of events is, I'm steadier in my spirit than I have been in while. I believed I would get this job when I applied originally. And I kept the positive attitude that "I want" the job instead of the negative "need" thought which so often sends people into a desperate area mentally. Now I'm just thankful & excited for CUPCAKES!!!!
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09.27: conception from commitment

Today will forever be lodged in my memory as the day I decided to jump out the plane. While I did go skydiving for my birthday, today is the first day that I have decided to be fearless in my life's choice. Today is the day that I consciously and whole heartedly decided to produce my first show, at a theater, for paying people .
I am more scared than I've ever been in my life. And while I know that I can propose this show for anytime, it doesn't have to be soon, I feel moved to get it done sooner than later, because I know that if I give myself the extra time of going to las vegas, I won't be coming back for a while. And who's to say that I'll find another space like Wow out there. Not to mention the extreme lack of free motion I will have once I get there. (Public transit is not the move out there.) But I digress..
I've begun working out how to do it in a series of 3. Or rather, my topic inspiration is going to be a 3 part exploration to begin with. Like I am proposing it as a suitcase show, with a 3 night run. Tonight I thought of sex, love & other people's money. The three things that continuously come into play with Saturn's Return. I've also kept thinking on various other theme's I'd like to explore like family, identity, sexuality, race, culture, music, responsibility, etc. The more I think about it, the more the list in my mind grows on the endless topics I could make shows about.
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09.24: embracing personality, explaining persona

For the last 3 or 4 months I have been apart of the WoW Cafe Theater. Wow is a theater collective of women & transpeople created for us to have a "safe space" to create any kind of art that we want to. All members of the collective gain sweat equity by working, producing, & hming the shows of fellow members. When a member has gained enough equity, they can submit a request to produce a show of their own.
Tonight I staffed with some women that I have never worked with nor met before and was in awe at how strong their persona is. I also admire their ease they have when explaining their artistry. Like its so easy & natural.
Lately I have been pushing myself down the path of photography, writing & performance art but now that I am gaining jobs to do for people, I am nervous. Extremely nervous about whether I will be any good doing these services I have offered to others (a step I have NEVER taken before). Its a daunting task to me. Inside it feels like my gut knows I have a natural talent but my brain is so focused on how much knowledge I lack. So my goal for this week is to redirect my thoughts to focus on the resources I have within my reach to gain the applicable skill I need to grow in my artistry.
I also recognized today that once I relaxed and took a deep breath in my head, I was able to speak with more confidence in myself. Its only when I don't have things figured out that I get nervous and self-conscious. But I'm learning that in art, you must first see the vision that others question. Art is provocative, it is insightful, a never ending self-examination. Of our individual human experiences, that an artist should never be ashamed of. *deep breath*
Its coming, every day I see myself loosening more. Letting go of many bonds I picked up in life that I used to allow to restrain my ability to let my mind wander free on the page. I am now more able to objectively look at my life, my actions and take responsibility or extract a lesson from what has already been. I can answer honestly without fear of the reactions or judgments of others. Not because they don't matter but because I don't care. I'm am less afflicted by an opinion of another. Hopefully soon, I will be even less afflicted by the doubt of my own opinion and empowered by my belief.
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