Ten years ago today I sat upon my rooftop in Brooklyn, smoking a blunt, convinced the world was ending. I had woken up late for school, so my mom told me to take the day off. I went about my day, proceeding to my roof for a quick wake & bake. She said something was wrong with the tv, that something had hit the world trade center. But no more was really being said at that time.
At the time she & I lived in a modest sized 1 bedroom in the heart of BedStuy. What most people never say about the beauty of Brooklyn is that there is a gorgeous view of the manhattan skyline from most rooftops. It was my favorite place to go to when I wanted to cleanse my mind & relax.
That morning I rolled up my Dutch Master not noticing the billowing smoke in the distance. I remember thinking how foggy it was in lower manhattan on such a beautiful fall day. It was sunny out & the sun brought a false sense of a lingering summer.
I remember blowing out smoke and confusing it with what was already floating in the air. I watched the catastrophe in puzzlement. What could've caused that much smoke? Seconds later I got my answer as I watched the 2nd plane hit. A plane. An airplane full of people. And then it happened. They fell. One, and then the other. It looked like a mushroom cloud after the atomic bomb. A modern Hiroshima in the middle of the morning. That was the first time ever in my life that I was so grateful to wake up late. I got on my knees giving praise to the universe for sparing my life. Knowing that had I been on time that day, I would have been on a train under one of those buildings. I would have been joining the numerous unfortunate souls under a rubble of death. The rest of the day I spent in a state of shock with my best friend at the time. We immediately grabbed her kids from school under the fear that another attack was imminent. It never happened but in Brooklyn, the fear was enough of a motivation to bring us together, just in case.
Every year since, I have watched the memorials over the gaping hole that once was NYC's greatest architectural achievement. Now a mass grave of countless unknown civilians and heroes we'll never know. Hundreds of people that will never again get the opportunity of life that I was given. I shed a tear, light a candle, and change the channel.
Now ten years later, the hole remains, the MTA is too broke to finish construction of the terminal, WTC is no where near finished but the memorial is done. All the names of all the lives lost surrounding a hole in the ground.
To this day our country tries to convince us that terrorists orchestrated these tragic events. And we believe it because its easier to justify senseless loss of life if there is a bad guy to blame. Someone to go after and punish and hold accountable for actions even it was someone/thing else. No one likes to feel betrayed by those that should be protecting them. So every year, for this one day,m I forget everything I know to be true. I forget all the things that just don't add up (like all the random healthy heroes making millions while the real surviving heroes suffer in silence from lung disease caused by the debris they inhaled.. Or the millions of government subsidies given to NY state intended for business' that wanted to rent space in the new WTC being given to businesses in Westchester County & Brooklyn, etc). I pretend I know nothing and take the day to morn the loss of my fellowq NY'ers and be thankful for the life I still have.
Love & Light
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
09.10: Epiphany
I had an epiphany today. While high I realized that never in my life have I take a vacation. Not a real one where I don't do anything aside from things I enjoy doing. For the last 14 years I've been (for the most part) working non-stop ever since I was legally able to. And so I declare that for the next 6 months I will take a vacation from the seriousness of life. I will relax in the land of eternal sunshine & debauchery: Vegas. (Lol!) I will laugh with my mom & my daughter. I will care for my mental well being. I will meditate. I will visit Cali & Mexico & maybe even Canada. (Once I earn my drivers license & regain my mom's trust where cars are concerned)
I will live. I will not get bogged down in the land of overkill & burnout that is NY. Why continue to fight a losing battle? Or rather, why maintain the struggle?
I remember when I was younger, I thought my vast intelligence would have landed a luxurious cushy job by now. Had my life plan worked, I'd be on my way to early retirement at age 35. That was the plan. To go to college and attain a stable high paying job and retire at 35. Then I'd start my family life planning. Somewhere along the way though, around age 20, while in a place I didn't know and surrounded by strangers, I received the news that my grandmother had died. My boss at the time told me I couldn't leave for more than 3 days. I had to be back almost immediately. At that moment I made the decision that I didn't want to live this lonely life on the road all the time, only focused on making money, not making something greater of myself. So I quit, I came home to new york and buried my grandmother. I took my earnings & inheritance and settled into an apartment, went to school, fell in love, had some kids, and now here I am. 8 years later unemployed, separated, on the verge of homelessness in a pursuit of happiness and balance. But I'm not sad or weighed down by any of it. I love it. Had I known back then that there was this much joy to be found in living life, I would have jumped in sooner.
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I will live. I will not get bogged down in the land of overkill & burnout that is NY. Why continue to fight a losing battle? Or rather, why maintain the struggle?
I remember when I was younger, I thought my vast intelligence would have landed a luxurious cushy job by now. Had my life plan worked, I'd be on my way to early retirement at age 35. That was the plan. To go to college and attain a stable high paying job and retire at 35. Then I'd start my family life planning. Somewhere along the way though, around age 20, while in a place I didn't know and surrounded by strangers, I received the news that my grandmother had died. My boss at the time told me I couldn't leave for more than 3 days. I had to be back almost immediately. At that moment I made the decision that I didn't want to live this lonely life on the road all the time, only focused on making money, not making something greater of myself. So I quit, I came home to new york and buried my grandmother. I took my earnings & inheritance and settled into an apartment, went to school, fell in love, had some kids, and now here I am. 8 years later unemployed, separated, on the verge of homelessness in a pursuit of happiness and balance. But I'm not sad or weighed down by any of it. I love it. Had I known back then that there was this much joy to be found in living life, I would have jumped in sooner.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Free write 09.05
Only I can sit at a busy bar and not talk to anyone, instead I write the rhymes I wish I could speak as fast as I think, typed thought, manifest an idea into reality, surrounded by inspiration, stuck in the spotlight, free flow turned bad style..
Alone, no love in or from the crowd, I sing, write.. I Speak words not speak freely
If every action has a consequence, I don't want to know what it is, too drunk to see where the bottom is, that's why we crash into pillows after billows of smoke. Pause... TBC
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Alone, no love in or from the crowd, I sing, write.. I Speak words not speak freely
If every action has a consequence, I don't want to know what it is, too drunk to see where the bottom is, that's why we crash into pillows after billows of smoke. Pause... TBC
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09.03:Comfort
To my extreme surprise, J's sister came and took the children for the night, greatly altering our plans to have an afternoon of park antics. Instead we spread a blanket out on the floor and lounged about all afternoon & evening. With the exception of short walks of enlightenment, we did nothing and it was fantastic. To do nothing more than lay & cuddle with my husband. As separated as we may be, I recognize we still share love. He's still my best friend through it all. And sometimes my only friend. He puts up with my bullshit attitudes, and self-anger issues. He and I have a bond that goes beyond the pulpit and rules of society.
When I think about marriage & family, isn't that how it should be? We live in a "free" society so essentially people should be allowed to make their own rules by which to live their lives. Isn't that the purpose of free will?
Right now he & I are in a gray area known as separation. Even I'll admit that its weird some times. To have to leave his house after bed time and return to my own empty space, sometimes brings me down. Other times being alone is everything. Its comforting & enlightening to my soul. I'll wake up often and feel refreshed for a nights sleep uninterrupted by the fastidious kicking of our 4 year old or the choking scents of the prayer incense. I love sleeping alone some times. But today was a comfortable lounging type of day. Lounging with J is definitely one of my favorite past times. Most times he's the best company a girl could ask for. And today was just one of those days. Maybe it sends the "wrong" signal to him, for me to still be so comfortable with him that I can want to be separated from him, yet still get cozy in his arms in front the tv on a rainy night. And that is also the beauty of it, I guess.
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When I think about marriage & family, isn't that how it should be? We live in a "free" society so essentially people should be allowed to make their own rules by which to live their lives. Isn't that the purpose of free will?
Right now he & I are in a gray area known as separation. Even I'll admit that its weird some times. To have to leave his house after bed time and return to my own empty space, sometimes brings me down. Other times being alone is everything. Its comforting & enlightening to my soul. I'll wake up often and feel refreshed for a nights sleep uninterrupted by the fastidious kicking of our 4 year old or the choking scents of the prayer incense. I love sleeping alone some times. But today was a comfortable lounging type of day. Lounging with J is definitely one of my favorite past times. Most times he's the best company a girl could ask for. And today was just one of those days. Maybe it sends the "wrong" signal to him, for me to still be so comfortable with him that I can want to be separated from him, yet still get cozy in his arms in front the tv on a rainy night. And that is also the beauty of it, I guess.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2011
09.04: obligation
Today is the day that all people of West Indian descent, myself included, look forward to all summer. Its Jourvet Sunday & parade Monday. As long as I can remember that's always been the protocol for all us Island folk. For a lot of us New Yorkers the "West Indian Day Parade" on Eastern Parkway is the closest many of us will ever get to Carnival.
As a kid I was drawn in to going to see it because of the beautiful majestic costumes. They are truly transformative works of art. I always dreamed of being a butterfly in the parade one year. Maybe one day I will get my wish. As I got older I remained connected thru the music & food of my culture. And then one summer, when I was 15, I discovered Jouvet. The annual preparation/pre-party that happens before the parade. There's all sorts of antics. All of Flatbush becomes a street party leading up to the parade. in recent years it has become subject to the bullshit that some black people always wanna bring with them. Which over time has lead to a good time being over-regulated by law authorities.
This year for the first time, I had no actual plan on what I'd be doing for the night. I just knew that if I made it to P's house, we'd probably end up at Jouvet, but seeing as she never called, I just went to sleep.
When I woke up, I headed over to J's house to help with the laundry & have my daily dose of kiddy time. I'm glad I stayed through the night instead of wandering off with no particular destination. Because after out nightly walk & snacking ritual, his sugar sky rocketed to an amount so high the meter doesn't even bother to produce a number. It just read HI. I knew if I left, she'd freak out, call an ambulance
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As a kid I was drawn in to going to see it because of the beautiful majestic costumes. They are truly transformative works of art. I always dreamed of being a butterfly in the parade one year. Maybe one day I will get my wish. As I got older I remained connected thru the music & food of my culture. And then one summer, when I was 15, I discovered Jouvet. The annual preparation/pre-party that happens before the parade. There's all sorts of antics. All of Flatbush becomes a street party leading up to the parade. in recent years it has become subject to the bullshit that some black people always wanna bring with them. Which over time has lead to a good time being over-regulated by law authorities.
This year for the first time, I had no actual plan on what I'd be doing for the night. I just knew that if I made it to P's house, we'd probably end up at Jouvet, but seeing as she never called, I just went to sleep.
When I woke up, I headed over to J's house to help with the laundry & have my daily dose of kiddy time. I'm glad I stayed through the night instead of wandering off with no particular destination. Because after out nightly walk & snacking ritual, his sugar sky rocketed to an amount so high the meter doesn't even bother to produce a number. It just read HI. I knew if I left, she'd freak out, call an ambulance
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09.02: self-affirmation (eliminating fear, lesson 1)
Today for the first time in a long time, I realized exactly how alone I am. Away from what I know, I am alone. But I'm not lonely. And although, all I'd like in the world right now is someone to go home & lay with. (Preferably a soft, yummy smelling female to stroke & hold. But at this moment I'm not picky. I'd even be satisfied by Rosa's ugly mean dog.) Instead of an empty bed again. What was initially an extreme relief, an empty bed, has become a void where I am sucked into my sorrows when I'm feeling down (like now). At this moment I have every intention of passing by my dad's house on my way home simply to delay the inevitable, being alone in am empty bed, and nearly empty room.
I'm sure though, that if I had a good book to read, cable, or more dvds I wouldn't be concerned in the slightest about who is and isn't in my bed right now.
So I write. I write out every feeling. My fears, doubts, anxieties, hopes, worries..its only by having the conversation that we can open ourselves to understanding. I fill my alone time with writing, I write out all the mysteries of me and am constantly amused by what I discover with every written word.
Its a hard thing to write, to constantly find inspiration when you have none. I find that most of the time, I don't even finish what I write until days later. There's just so much, its Digging through the recesses of one's mind is becoming harder than finding gold. But the rewards of emptying that which has been so cluttered for so long, is priceless.
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I'm sure though, that if I had a good book to read, cable, or more dvds I wouldn't be concerned in the slightest about who is and isn't in my bed right now.
So I write. I write out every feeling. My fears, doubts, anxieties, hopes, worries..its only by having the conversation that we can open ourselves to understanding. I fill my alone time with writing, I write out all the mysteries of me and am constantly amused by what I discover with every written word.
Its a hard thing to write, to constantly find inspiration when you have none. I find that most of the time, I don't even finish what I write until days later. There's just so much, its Digging through the recesses of one's mind is becoming harder than finding gold. But the rewards of emptying that which has been so cluttered for so long, is priceless.
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Friday, September 9, 2011
09.01: joy
The first day of my unemployment, my husband suggested I come spend some time with my children. That I bring some joy into my day. As selfish as it is I said no. I was so wrapped up in my anger at the overall shit storm I've created in my life that I rejected the idea of doing anything but wallowing in my misery. That's exactly what I did. I went home, got something to eat with my last few dollars and wrapped myself in my quilt and slept. I slept from about 6pm until the following afternoon. I moved for nothing and no one. And honestly, it was exactly what I needed to help extinguish the burning inside of me. The following days I again avoided contact with the little ones, knowing I was still not in the mind set to be with them. I was too focused on being unemployed. I wanted to be alone. I sort of still do but my humanity is beginning to return again. I am missing them more and more with the passing hours. I am becoming a "real person" so to speak. And all I want is to be a mom, not an ok one, or one that's around, but a really great mom. The question to be lived now is how do I do that while working out the issues I have with myself ? Am I being a bad mom by not staying with their father? Am I simply being a selfish woman if I admit that I can't always handle being a mom? I can't always comply with the demands of my husband? Why does admitting to that truth make me look (to others) and feel (to myself) like I am "less than" as a woman? If I were a man, would be feel this same guilt? Would society put this same stigma on me? Or would I just be "stereotypical"? I love my kids, no doubt about it. Those little people are the source of my greatest joy. They are by far my greatest accomplishment. There isn't a day where I am not proud and thankful to have been given the blessing of their lives. As wonderful as they are I often recognize the fact that I am not always able to cope. I am not always up to the task of being a mom. I am not always a "good" mom, I feel. Even though I know giving my best to them is being a good mom, I still feel "less than" the expectation.
(Later) Joy is truly the only way to really describe the day. When I got to J's house it was nap time, so I returned after at around 4p to hang out with my kids. And I'm so glad I did. Today's park adventure was renewing. There was a point while playing with Ni where we just laughed for 20 minutes straight. No words, just laughter filled us. Spinning & twirling & laughing to our own private joke. It was amazing. I played some made-up form of frisbee dodgeball with them and a group of their friends, and had so much fun. Today was truly a day that reminded me of all the great stuff I've been missing while slaving away at these jobs for the last two years. I recognize that there has been maybe 30 days scattered since Ni's birth that I haven't worked. Of those 30, I probably slept for half of them. J always tries to tell me about days like today, and its not as if I haven't had them before, but its been so long since the last one. Its easy to forget when your focus is everything else.
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(Later) Joy is truly the only way to really describe the day. When I got to J's house it was nap time, so I returned after at around 4p to hang out with my kids. And I'm so glad I did. Today's park adventure was renewing. There was a point while playing with Ni where we just laughed for 20 minutes straight. No words, just laughter filled us. Spinning & twirling & laughing to our own private joke. It was amazing. I played some made-up form of frisbee dodgeball with them and a group of their friends, and had so much fun. Today was truly a day that reminded me of all the great stuff I've been missing while slaving away at these jobs for the last two years. I recognize that there has been maybe 30 days scattered since Ni's birth that I haven't worked. Of those 30, I probably slept for half of them. J always tries to tell me about days like today, and its not as if I haven't had them before, but its been so long since the last one. Its easy to forget when your focus is everything else.
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08.30/08.31: family
I have to confess that for the last three days I have been doing the bare minimum. On the first day of freedom (as I have come to think of it) I spent the greater part of the afternoon (let's say 12-5) at my father's house, shooting the shit, eating and watching t.v. Then I went on an employment walk from 14th street down, to a WoW Cafe Theater meeting (of which I'm now a member) and spent the remainder of the evening with my husband. After getting home around 130a, I decided to sleep in today. Its was such a wonderful, calm day, I did it again today. Upon waking up at 130p, I had lunch & dinner with my father . Then went to an open house for the company I would die to work for; Brooklyn Industries. A straight 3 hours that was completely enjoyable. I met some pretty nice people, saw an old friend, and laughed a lot. Unfortunately for me I realize that I lied in my interview, from pure reflex of saying that's where I worked. I also recognized that I still think of myself as apart of the soho team. I went in today and no one seemed concerned, I also didn't go walking around the store either. So whomever I saw, I saw. Those I didn't, I didn't. Speaking of Soho, I saw Blanca at the BI interviews and almost broke my neck laughing so hard. Not that she couldn't get it, cause she totally could, she was just the last person I would've thought was trying to leave Fuckery21. On the bright side, I think I made a good impression overall. My energy was good, my answers were genuine and I gave off a good positive energy. I maintained eye contact, eveen with the rolly eyed chick, so we'll see how that turns out.
I really mean it when I say I don't plan on doing much work for the next 6 months.
At least, nothing stressful.. I know tomorrow morning, 1st thing I need to use a computer. Cause this keyboard is bullshit.
The next thing after that is to file my UE officially so I can get some cash flow coming in.
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I really mean it when I say I don't plan on doing much work for the next 6 months.
At least, nothing stressful.. I know tomorrow morning, 1st thing I need to use a computer. Cause this keyboard is bullshit.
The next thing after that is to file my UE officially so I can get some cash flow coming in.
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08.29: Optimism
Today was my day off from work. However, I made the decision to go in & help out with whatever clean-up needed to be done (post irene) and such things. 3.5 hours later I was "let go" aka fired. And for about an hour, until just now, I was pissed about it. So full of anger I had considered going back just to curse them out. But my better mind prevailed. Instead I am now off to be productive with my day. I am going to search & apply for every job I can online. I'm even going to go back to AE and see if they're might be a spot for me there. Cause no matter what I need a job asap.
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8.28: forgiveness
Today I was a failure as a human being. And I forgive myself for it. I can accept that I'm having a bad day because my spirit is attached to a funky feeling. I feel it physical and in turn display it. I was lazy, short, easily annoyed, & impatient. I'm appreciative of the day with my kids. I just forgot how to not allow myself to outwardly express my horrible inside feelings.
This morning I woke up in pain from my erratic period. I still have yet to get accustomed to the terrible cramping that came with this Mirena. For much of the morning I laid in a ball, not really sleeping but not really awake. Just awake enough to mind my children.
Which is why today's attribute is forgiveness. While my kids did notice the difference, I am sure that they forgave me for it. Cause at the end of the day they still smile from beginning to end. And if they can see past my bad day, then I should be able and willing to forgive myself too.
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This morning I woke up in pain from my erratic period. I still have yet to get accustomed to the terrible cramping that came with this Mirena. For much of the morning I laid in a ball, not really sleeping but not really awake. Just awake enough to mind my children.
Which is why today's attribute is forgiveness. While my kids did notice the difference, I am sure that they forgave me for it. Cause at the end of the day they still smile from beginning to end. And if they can see past my bad day, then I should be able and willing to forgive myself too.
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