8.24: hope

I'm often told by my father that he is guided by his everlasting spring of hope. It is his faith that things will work out & his hope that they do, that has allowed him to be so lucky for so long. I wish it was a genetic trait that I inherited. Instead I am the eternal dark cloud. Carrying my woes inside until I burst.

I don't remember exactly when it was that I lost my faith. I remember being a young, exuberant, excited woman. I used to love life & its possibilities. I could've had nothing but whatever was inside of me never let me falter. I had hopes, I had dreams but then I had kids. And once they entered my life, my home in the clouds was no longer safe. The instability I once enjoyed transformed into a treadmill of maintenance. A constant chase to provide for those souls I had manifested into being.
When I look into the mirror now all I can see are the hollow wells staring back. A vacant space between flesh. This woman I see has allowed the evils of the material world sink their teeth into her and suck her dry. There's no belief in the seemingly impossible. There are no dreams this being strives for. There is only desperation. She is barely holding on. And its up to me to save her/my life. Its my duty to remind myself that there is still something to believe in. That I do still want more from my life then what society says I have to accept in my position. I now look at this woman and breathe into her soul the spirit of our ancestors. The spirit that says everything is achievable when one believes. Because the "magic" that makes the impossible possible begins with belief. Just as the world laughed at the invention of the car, and now we couldn't imagine life without it. Because that person believed. They held onto hope in their heart as they traveled on their journey through this life. I whisper to her that "this too shall pass" because no storm ever stands still. One day the sun will shine on us again. Until it does, I will hold her tight, never letting her fall. For our fates are entwined, and I have no intention of giving up.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

8.22: Humor

Two guys are in a cart, one of them has white stuff on his face #thisismynight. Or at least the beginning of my journey home. After buying my water from the running gag cart, I head to the train station where I swipe my metrocard. And my baby gave up on me. She wouldn't swipe, I missed the train trying. So I walk over to the main booth where I run into my new buddy the older mta gentleman. I forget his name but I do know it. Anywho the booth lady let's me through but does pleas to me "please the next time you get a metrocard, DO NOT do this to it.."

Its been a movie kind of day. Like I wake up on time to get to where I should be and fall back asleep, fast fwd I get to the dmv around 1p and learn I have to go to anther DMV because apparently they are "too busy" to perform that service today. Get to that DMV and get on line to be given an application to fill out, just to get back on the same line to get a number in order to wait. The pudgy clerk hands me my number and motions me off to the overflowing seating area. I'm # B253, too bad they're only at B92.. Tick tock goes the clock. . Four hours later, I make it back inside right before they lock out some unlucky souls at 4:00pm and finally my number is called.

Having used all the funds available to me to pay for said replacement I.D, I head to my dad's house for lunch. Ever the daddy's girl, my father promptly fixes me a plate of chicken spot chicken. (^_^). The wikked part in this afternoon? He refuses to let me watch the latest episode of True Blood since he has yet to see any of this season.. (-_-) what a hater, he's probably not even a fan... Fast fwd through the rest of my typical day, an afternoon filled with kiddie laughs at the park, and an easy breezy closing shift. Which brings me back to where I started. It's 4am, I'm walking to the train on Astor place. Two guys are in a cart and one of them has white stuff on his face... #humorouslife

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

8.21 responsibility

Today is like any typical Monday before a payday. I am broke. I've got a nominal amount in my account, a couple dollars in my pocket & instead of holding it to ration meals, I will be using it to replace my lost I.D card. -_-o
Makes me wanna go crazy but I know I can't let myself get to that point. I have to be calm. Accept the part I play in my own life. Cause this isn't cutting it.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#NP Today is gonna be the day..

The roots are amazing at creating music that awakens your soul. You hear and know every word being spoken, but you awaken on the inside and begin to create yourself.
I was listening to this song when I was inspired to begin having daily attributes. (A fact I am now regretful of not writing about then.. But here we are now,so yippee!)

I figured that if I am to reach the long term goal of being a person that is liked and respected, I must do that for myself first. I look for what the lesson is every day.. And that becomes the attribute.

Today I worked from 1145a until 101a.. And I still didn't make my hours. So today's attribute is dependability; more specifically trust.. In my life both personal & professional, a lot of people depend on me. When we are dependable , we can be trusted and can trust others.
Trust builds anticipation
Which when met leads to expectations,
Not Me
I can be trusted...

If life was a school, I'd be failing every class. Not just because of my vices but because of various destructive habits I have adopted into my life over time. Like the habit of making excuse for the short-comings & irresponsibility of others. I push myself to do as much as possible everyday and end up not getting enough rest. Now I'm looking for a side gig and wonder how good of an idea that really is.
As it stands now, I barely have enough time to see my kids everyday with my internal clock being so off balance. But is it really a smart idea to continue on the path leading me to become financially undependable? In an ideal world, the answer to both of these questions is no. But I do not live in an ideal world, I live in reality. And the reality is, I need to make more money, even if it means sacrificing family time, rest, &/or my sanity.
We'll see how it goes.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Freestyle in my head

Hip-hop you my wife
You my life
you the validation for the struggle & strife
I just wanna be with you everyday of my life
She love me so good I won't ever stop
There's never a day where she don't come out on top
I used hit it & split it.. Now they say I should get it
On a happy vibe from my homie's aqquital..
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

What makes me believe

For a man who wasn't around much, my dad is kind of awesome.. Weird words coming from my mouth as much as I bash him for not being around "then" . But its true. In the end, he's the one who taught me to be a dreamer. And more importantly that it is okay to be a dreamer. It is okay to believe you can be anything & go after it. No matter what.
I think the coolest thing about him is that I can google his name and there is an entry about him in Wikipedia. No matter how long or short, he's in there. He has actual achievements from his life long passion. He is a "somebody" in the pop-cultural reference of the term. He will forever be remembered or rather always be able to be found within our American history. In the history of music, he is something of a legend & pioneer for his time.
As much as my personal feeling dictate the ways I choose to interact with him, he is my inspiration. He is a hero of mine. I want to be the same to my kids. I hope to one day develop a career in a life I love that they can also be inspired by. Whether its to look back and read my books/writings or go to a gallery and see my photos. Even if by some off chance I could become a stylist (ultimate goal), I hope to leave a legacy they can be inspired by and not a shadow for them to stand in.

Love & light

J Sans Chez
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Family ties

At 8 years old I had my 1st vivid dream, what shamans would call a vision. I saw my grandmother laying helpless on a floor crying out for help. Minutes later, shocked I jolted awake in my grandparents empty 4 post bed. The bed I had shared with my grandmother since my grandfather's bed was cold & vacant. My grandma, bajan raised, was always the early riser. Waking with the sun, humming her biblical songs shuffling around the house doing one chore or another. So I jumped out of bed in search of my busy bee. My footsteps echoed along the halls as I searched. On and on I went from room to room. The history of my family eying me from the walls the whole way. Until I reached the basement door ajar. And that's when I heard her. Faintly at first, her usually strong willed voice sounded light, like a baby's coo. Creeping down the basement stairs I found her at the bottom, having slipped trying to avoid kicking Hollywood (our cat), her feet got tangled and there she remained unable to get herself up. It was the first time I had seen her so vulnerable. So weak. It was a sight to my child eyes, seeing your hero fallen, helpless. It felt worse being unable to help her myself, no matter how much I tried, my immature body did not possess enough strength to life my fallen soldier. So I ran and woke my older brother in a panic.
Since then there have been several other occasions where I will have vivid dreams come to pass. I dreamed her death, as well as those of my niece and an older of mine. As I got older I forget the dreams. I am only left with the resonant feeling and an overbearing thought concentrated on the person the dream was about, followed by a thorough cleansing of my soul. Aka I cry uncontrollably for anywhere from an hour to three until I regain control of myself and drift into a blank sleep. It never happens with random people, only family members.
This morning was no different but it scared me the most. For this morning I dreamed about my mother. And I couldn't shake the feeling that her passing is soon to come. I dreamed of her pain, so much pain she is feeling. And I woke up amid tears & mumblings I cannot remember. My mind's eye focused on her and I could only feel a void where I'd usually feel her presence. I'm sure this sounds even weirder than believing I can foresee the death/pains of those I love. But my mom an I have aways had a freaky twin-like connection. There are many days where I am down and she'll call at the exact moment I need her support.&positive influence. She keeps me from going over the edge. I called her, twice and got no answer until I called her boyfriend. And he let me know that my mom is indeed in a lot of pain from a recent fall at work. So much so that she hasn't gotten out of bed for the past two days & she hasn't been sleeping well. While it doesn't help that I was right, I'm calmed to know she's not alone. She's got someone who loved her watching over her. And though I'll never express my full appreciation to him (cause I really don't like him), I am happy he is there. It eases my mind. I'm still worried though.
For the first time I am seriously considering her mortality. A thought I realized I've never had before. I never considered her death, what it would mean or how it would affect me. What will I do if/when she dies? Because one day she will die. As morbid as it is to think about, it must be considered, because the day will come & then what will I do?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

HOTD

Thirsty thirsty
Leave me alone
It is too hot for this shit
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

HOTD: anger

This one is a 2-fer. You're welcome!

I sound angry
Because
I am angry
Get over it
Or fuck off

If one more person put their hand out
In my face
I just might bite them

J sans chez
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

HOTD: sex

I need to get laid
That's not an opinion
Its a fucking fact

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile