365 days and today was slightly better than the day before.. I woke up the same, zombie like, on the edge of sleep with my eyes half open, breezing through the 30 min ride back to peace, to bed, my place of solice, escape from people, things, work, kids, bills, the every moment where a bullet to the head sounds better than a roll in the hay, its slow torture.. There are days that are epic, (today was not one of them), but for every good there still too many bad.. Its like I'm walking through the dark with a candle trying not to blow it out before I get burned.
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Know that really gmg?

When someone tells you something one day then argues against that exact belief later on down the road once they've become a bit more enlightened. Case in point singledad.blogspot.com in chronicle 3 claims that he would never turn his back on his son (or daughter) should he grow up and determine he is gay. Eventhough he has said to me in the past that he too (along with his family) would disown his son, should he be gay when he's older.
Furthermore telling me now that I am simple transferring my issues of sexuality onto our children and that I am not allowed to write opinions about our children's future is a bunch of hypocritical bullshit.

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Back to the drawing board...

My current state of dire financial straights has led me to believe that all that superstition is coincidental bullshit. I.e. Getting shit on by a pigeon, unknowingly stepping in dog poop, finding pennies on the ground... BULLSHIT! All of it. Just created and designed for us to not allow ourselves to sink to a level of desperation, where we make such stupid mistakes that ruins our entire life. For example, while talking to my father today, I made an inquiry about filing for bankruptcy. Gladly he didn't start off by saying how poor the choice would be if I made it. He just informed me of what happens and was then nice enough to tell me how stupid of a thing it would be for me to do. And so I process all of this objective information with his limited opinions interjected, and decide that it'd probably be worse than suicide.
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Late bird

I could complain about my schedule making no sense. Like the fact that I closed last night but was scheduled to be in at 10a. Ridiculous! Especially when considering that a closing shift doesn't really have an end time. So someone closing could leave anywhere between 12a and 6a. This is bullshit! We gotta start establishing time frames. I close and don't get off until 4am most times because unlike some ppl, I have standards. I ask my people for a lot. I see the details and get frustrated when their undone. My close last night was far from perfect. I may even get a write up for that as well. I recognize that if I let the other managers I close with do the final walk thru because I'm too busy closing down a section, I get screwed everytime. Cause I'll come walk it and end up re-working the racks' tying the ties, etc. Just doing all the little things that they didn't do. Its really just a huge catch 22.
Even with all that being true, it is also true that my chronic lateness is a serious problem. I have to find a way to get up on my own. Really I just need to find a way to not care so damn much about what I do to dedicate so much time to it. Even on days when I'm not working I'm up till all hours of the night because I can't fall asleep. I can't get my mind to stop wandering, or I am unable to stop the endless stream of inspiration. Some nights I sit up writing until 3 or 4am. Not really knowing what I'm writing or why. I just let it flow until my fingers are sometimes too cramped to move anymore. Times like that I miss a pen & paper. I could go longer writing the endless thoughts.
But I digress. My lateness is a serious problem. So is my attitude about it. Because shit happens but how is it that it happens so often to me? Shit can't possbly happen everyday to just me. So why do I feel it is okay to disrupt business and inconvenience others with my lateness? I'm truly thankful that I haven't been fired yet, but I know if I continue it'll happen sooner than later. And then what will I do?
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I think I'm ready to live the life

Its been a long time coming. But like yesterday I just have to do it. Disconnect completely and get into my new comfort zone. Someone once told me that when things become comfortable that's when its time to move on, push harder, and go deeper. Life shouldn't be comfortable because the soul is boundless. It years to be free of the body's confines. This is where the mind comes into play. Our minds ability to create and conceive alternate realities is what makes life worth living.
This has been the best birthday yet. It was a day that I think I shall repeat for years to come. A ritual, renewal of sorts. Anyway, I remember not being able to breath as I saw the began to see the ground. My body though appearing heavy , felt light. There was a moment where I had a delusion of flying. I thought "this must me what its like to be a bird. Never once truly nervous of dying (that fear, also squashed) it was more a major discomfort in the act of falling. In knowing that I truly had no control to save my own life. I was not the one in control of the parachute, I had no anything to grab onto. I was simply falling, and all I could think for the first ten seconds is that I couldn't breathe. Until the instructor told me to scream.
And I found freedom to fall...
TBC
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24 hours & counting...

I have effectively been abandoned by my band of merry men (so to speak). But for one reason or another I will be alone for the scariest (and possibly stupidest) thing I've ever decided to do for my birthday. Honestly it's a little disheartening to have to be alone. But maybe that's how it should be. Maybe I was meant to go alone as a test of my will. having to face this fear of mine by myself may be the best thing. Having been alone for a while now, I am learning that there is a great deal of honesty one has with themselves when they are alone. We'll admit so much more when we're alone then if we are around someone else. The real problem is cab fare.. I have enough but don't.. Like I could afford the cab but then I probably won't eat for a couple days till getting paid. I'm not confident enough to walk from the train station, plus its hella hot out. Idk if walking would be the best idea. I could always reschedule the jump yet again. But considering how many times I've done it already and the gorgeous weather expected, I don't think I should take that chance. Besides, I can eat anytime. This wouldn't be the first time in my life that I skipped a couple meals.
I just feel something in my soul telling me that no matter what this jump must happen. I had an inclination that if I didn't jump out a plan, I might jump off a building. Like conquering this fear is connected to unlocking so much inside me that I hold on to. When really I just need to let it go. Going though the experience of having no control physically will some how push me to let go mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
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Under attack

I don't know who it is or if what I'm feeling is even real but for some time I feel a force interfering with my spirit. As if when I closed my eyes each night, someone or thing would attempt to capture my soul. If I didn't think about breathing, I didn't breathe. I could see the room around me, myself included laying limp on the mattress. My head nestled into the neck or back of one of the sleeping children beside me. And then I'll force myself to breathe and I snap awake in a sudden rush. Nights like that always left me shaken, laying in the dark for hours. Constantly on watch for some unknown assailant until I can calm my mind back to quiet and sleep. Even then its never a peaceful sleep. There are bad dreams that leave me in a foul mood without a recollection of how I got to such a dark place. When I was a young girl, I was afraid to go to sleep. I felt tormented.
to be continued...
JSC
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#524

Today is the start of a day where I would rather just bundle myself up in the sheets and face no one. Go no where. Be nobody. Today is my grandmother's birthday. Mrs. Violet Fitzpatrick Wiltshire. I never learned her middle name. Never really knew if she had one. Although that isn't a fact that matters much now.
When I was younger I would buy her an African Violet plant for her kitchen window. As it grew she would transfer the plant to her garden in the back yard, where it would eventually die. After her death I would go to her gave and plant one every year. They never flourished. They were always dead by the time I'd return a year later. Once it became an unreasonable distance to travel, I stopped. I figured no one would notice. But I notice. I acknowledge the lack on her grave. I still feel a guilt inside when I deem the errand unimportant enough to make time for it. Possibly because of all her family left alive and living in NY, I am probably the only visitor she ever gets. This year is no exception. I feel immensely sad and wished I had woken up early enough to go way out to Gravesend cemetery and put some fresh flowers on her grave, at the very least. But I didn't, and by the time I get off work tonight, my visit would be considered trespassing.
I miss her so much. Its been a while since I've felt her spirit in this realm. I use to be able to feel her with me when I was out on the road. But now, I feel nothing but empty space. Her warmth, compassion, peaceful, naturing demeanor is gone.
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Today's status

Walking back from the train I (thought I) had stepped in a big pile of shit. I laughed at the dual truth .. #storyofmylife The moral? Watch where your going..

JSC
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Dreams vs. Reality

For the past two weeks I have had almost the same dream 6 times. It always begins the same; its my birthday and I'm sky diving for the 1st time. My husband, jose, is the only one who comes for moral support despite us being separated. So I nervously step into the plane, and a few minutes later jump to what I am sure is certain death. But it's not death, its freedom from everything holding me back. My mind becomes as clear as the beautiful spring day. I land two footed and renewed to see the only face there to greet me. He asks me how I feel and I reply "I want a divorce". Now its at this point in the dream where the scenario changes every time. Sometimes he kills me, sometimes he whips out money and throws it at me. In one variation, he has the actual papers in his pocket for me to sign. Every time it ends differently but always begins the same.
If I were better read on dream interpretation, I'd have a better understanding of it. Whether it means that I subconsciously want a divorce, I don't know. If that is the case, I think my conscious mind is still not ready to admit to it and accept it as reality.
What I noticed is this, when I think about our relationship, I come up with reasons why we should stay together less often then reasons why we should part. When I take the kids away from it, he is the man I married despite the fact that he layed hands on me. He is the man that I married to save a broken love. He is the man that I had babies and abortions with & for. . He is the man who held me when I cried my soul out. He is the man who stressed me the fuck out while pregnant with multiple hospital stays. He is the man who's hand I've held for hours, hoping that the last time, was really the last time. He is the man I gave myself to without thought, like breath, it was second nature. In no way does he display any threatening characteristics now. These days the way in which he acts now, his demeanor is that of peace emanating from within. However knowing that we never took the break that should have been taken, my brain couldn't/doesn't distinguish between them. So when I did take the time to separate the man from the father/family side of him, I didn't see a person I could continue a relationship with. Despite years of effort on both parts, its not a relationship that is true to me or him. So I decided to leave. And I've been more peaceful since. I feel awful about leaving him to care for the children alone. I do still worry about him, I care about him. I still and always will love him. Our problem isn't that our love may not be resilient enough. Our problem is that love may not be enough for me in this form. I find that being disconnected physically is giving me an appreciation for him as a person and myself as well. Its allowing me to step back and see the whole picture of the story of us and recognize some key indicators that the beauty of our relationship was always in it's fluidity. Our ability to have connections with other people & developing ourselves while still remaining committed to each other. Regardless of anything, for three years we had separate relations with other people but when we were alone it was just he & I. We talked about everything, including our lovers without malice or jealousy. We would discuss our goals and how we were moving toward them and support each other in them. It was in essence the perfect relationship. Commitment without obligation, judgment, or consequence. It was such a pure expression and acceptance of love, it's no wonder we created life together.
Having had these recent weeks alone, I've had an absorbent amount of time to think and consider our personal flaws. Some of mine include: I'm spontaneous, impatient, indecisive, inconveniently lazy, strangely dedicated to my job, occasionally unfaithful, one part know-it-all, unsettled, unsatisfied, and sometimes possessive. Then there's my attraction to women. Something that not even our love has not diminished over time. I always knew that I wasn't the "phase" type of girl. It was never a phase to me. And now that I'm grown with children of my own, I look at the person I am and I didn't like who I saw in the mirror. The woman I saw staring back was defeated by disappointment. She'd given up on herself and the pursuit of her life's goals. These days she's renewed. She's slowing allowing life to breathe fresh air back into her. She is coming to grips with the reality that ther's still hope for the dream. The initial dream shared, to be successful in the achieving of our personal goals. In the words of Jose we should essentially "use this time to re-commit to our personal success. Now more than even considering we now have children to be successful for" . I couldn't have said it better myself.
Love & Light,
JSC
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