#33

I'm not the girl you want to fuck with, unless you just want to fuck. -QOTD
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Re: Saturn Interview, 2010 in question...

2010 started off as the most dramatic year of my life yet. I had recently married a man I thought I loved, despite his recent dip into crazy town. I stayed with him anyway, desperate to prove to him & myself (I later learned) that I was committed to the relationship & family we had decided to form. I was also a mother for the 2nd time, finally regaining hormones balance after having become a mother for the 2nd time within 2 years. 2009 was rough but proved to only be preparation for the wild ride to semblance that 2010 showed itself to be.
At this time I have to interject that I have always been (and I believe will always be) a bisexual woman. Since December of 2008 I had dedicated myself to nurturing my new role in the traditional sense of the word. Being a "good" mother & a "good" wife. I stopped hanging out with those friends of mine that aroused my "unconventional" desires, I swallowed the urges of attraction I felt and remained faithful to my husband. Despite the constant proofless - -- accusations, non-stop vocal & physical arguments, I remained faithful. As time passed I couldn't settle the storm that remained brewing inside.. The final straw came in july, while working 2 jobs, tired of arguing over a past that would never change, I decided to be honest in a painful way and considered the possible alternatives to my life. I came clean with my husband that although I had remained faithful, the course of our relationship had led me to the realisation that I was no longer in love. The storm would not calm because I was no longer willing to be a fool for or in love. By the time summer ended, I had itirrated my need for space, my want to be alone to clarify the contradictions within myself. I started seeing a physchologist, breaking down and through the issues I held inside. Sometime in september I met a woman who rocked me to my core the instant we met. It was as if our energies recognised each other from a past life. Like when you meet someone that your spirit immediately bonds to even though your mind can't process the connection. Anyway, through a series of pure coincidence, she helped me begin the journey to love myself again. To honour me and the people in my life. I cut my hair, and instantly felt a spiritual burden being lifted. She brought inspiration to me, in a way I hadn't had in a long time. She awakened the goddess within me.
In August in husband went away leaving me with an ultimatum. That I either decide to stay in this relationship or call it quits. Upon his return, I told him I had decided to leave and we separated even while still living together for financial support. The next couple months continued how much of the year had already went, fights and distance. Eventually I let myself be free and allowed myself the indulgence of this woman. And it was magical, a little disappointing, but magical still. I don't regret it, and never will.
We started marriage counselling in late november. We got through the holidays taking comfort in a friendship we haven't shared for years. And the night of our one year anniversary we listened to each other unload their heart with the decision to leave. To split that which just may be too broken to fix. Ironically a peaceful ending to a year that never seemed to end.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#67

I think the reason I do not write is because I can now speak the words, uninhibited, not intoxicated, but definitely under the influence of requited self-love.
I have pride, I own my grace, the beauty that is my face, hiding a sensitive heart & insightful mind,
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#42 (not the reason but a reason)

It irritates me that as much as we talk about how important it is for us to support each other, he still doesn't. Our relationship is still one sided on so many levels. And yet he'll sit an wonder how it is I get to the point where I just don't want to be around him. He constantly wonders where the resentment comes from causing me to believe I'd rather do this alone than with him, because to me either way its the same shit. Daily I come home to a house that's not mine, yet I support it financially and physically and get nothing but blank stares of misunderstanding when its clear I need to get some rest. I get looked at sideways for expressing my pain whether vocally, subliminally, or privately in my writings. So I don't write. I hold back my frustrations with a damn that is way past its breaking point. And so it continues. The waters remain still because I swallow what it is I want to be screaming it from the rooftops.

It makes me wonder if this is what womanhood really is. Submission through the defeat of one's will power.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#20

He's right about one thing, we did have it. That thing that bonds people together, a connection on the deepest levels of beings, what some call love has turned to slow torture through attempts to reclaim what once was true love. Despite the path it took to gain it, to make the neural connections to process the thought, we had it.
And its that one thing that got me tripping. Because there were imaginary lines drawn & crossed. Boundaries never truly established but unconsciously acknowledged and consciously forgotten. Like an invasion of enemy troops, my lines fell back till there was nothing between us but barriers. Barriers that held, & still stand strong defending the fragility of my heart.
The gift of love, each time delivered is accepted with the suspicions of a trojan horse. No longer blinded by the delusions and hopes of loves spell.. Now I see with eyes wide open the man separate from the father. If ever again they become one, only time will tell.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#18(Venus) [draft]

I don't know what it is but
I can't put it down
Within the word written
I feel a connection,
to something bigger than us
Divine inspiration
Perhaps we were muses in a past life
Or nymph
I feel universes within you
There's more to this book than just the cover
I want to
Read on

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#16 (My Scarlet Letter)

Worse than anything I hate is when I am made to feel that I am crazy. I hate it when people make me look & sound like a liar because they don't want to believe the truth. And because I lied ONE time, I am now branded forever with it on my forehead. Everything you don't want to believe becomes a lie. My actions become sneaky even though they are honest & just spontaneous. It just makes me see where I stand for real. Where I am I will never again be free without distance. I will always be seen as a lying. & adulterous because its what you want to believe. And so with that I give up. I'll do what ever her wants. Cause I'm not playing any games and I'm tired of trying to love someone who never existed in your eyes. I'm tired of trying to heal her. So if you ever catch a glimpse of her again, tell her I said bye.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#9

"I am trying to become who I would've been without you because I hate who I am because of you"
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#5 (live your life)

I am afraid that I have found the truth about myself but am just scared to admit to it. Because I am in conflict internally. What I was raised to believe and emulate is not what I have determined to be right for me.
I guess that's a major part of this final movement into adulthood. And there is the likelihood of my decisions being a contradiction to who I claim to be. But I make no promises, and therefore should be okay.
I choose the path of wisdom & pain over ignorant bliss any & everyday.. Because life I find, is too long for me not to know more. And sometimes pleasure/bliss can spring from pain. Pain passes over time, fades away until there is nothing left but perfection.
I'm terrified to leave what it is I thought I knew. A lie, a life of comfort. But to feel something is better than nothing. To aspire for impossible dreams is better than shuffling through a haze of disappointment. I don't want to constantly see failure in my reflection. Unhappiness, a secret smile hidden beneath layers of worry, stress, & sorrow. I want to be free spiritually & emotionally yet still honor my responsibilities as a woman to myself and others.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

#6

Today is one of those days where if I had crossed the street I would have prayed to have been hit by a truck. The bigger the better. Honestly I hate days off because its never a real day off, its just more work. And there are days lie this, where I wake up feeling worse than loose bowels. More like road kill and less than human.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile